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Donald Trump selected CleanTechnica headquarters in lovely downtown Burbank to announce his working mate on this 12 months’s election. “You guys are doing an superior job — AWESOME JOB!” he instructed government editor and basic factotum Zachary Shahan when he referred to as to schedule his announcement. It simply so occurs CleanTechnica’s convention room is on the forty seventh flooring. “I regarded throughout — ALL OVER — for a spot on the forty seventh flooring the place I might announce my vice chairman. Once I get elected in November, I would be the forty seventh president of the US, so the quantity 47 is essential to me — VERY IMPORTANT!” Then he hung up.
On the appointed day on the appointed hour — precisely 47 minutes after 3 o’clock — Trump stepped off the freight elevator with 47 different folks — 12 Secret Service brokers, 20 staffers, and 15 sycophants hoping to get a presidential pardon. What with all of the jostling that passed off, the good man’s tangerine tinted comb-over had slipped a bit, so we needed to wait whereas two hair stylists adjusted it and added some cement wash to maintain it in place.
Then he stepped into the convention room and mentioned loudly, “What a dump! The visitor bogs at Mar-A-Lago are larger than this. That’s the place I preserve the nuclear codes, . I’m wondering in the event that they modified them since I left the Offal Workplace? My 300,000 sq. foot house in Trump Tower makes this place look sick.”
One of many staffers promptly produced two Large Macs, a big order of fries, and a chocolate milk shake. “Get a photograph of me holding all this so folks can see I’ve actually, actually huge fingers,” he mentioned with a sly grin. When he was performed packing all of it in, he stepped to the rostrum and mentioned, “I’m right here at present to announce that Elon Musk might be my working mate this 12 months.” Elon himself then slipped into the room by a aspect door and the 2 males raised their arms collectively and grinned like they have been on the set of Dumb and Dumber whereas the sycophants cheered.
Zachary mentioned, “Umm, sir, that Elon can’t be your vice chairman as a result of he isn’t a local born citizen of the US, proper?” Trump reached into his pocket and pulled out a Sharpie. “That’s not an issue. Constitutions are for suckers. As quickly as I’m again within the Offal, I’m gonna rewrite it to say I can have anybody I would like as my vice chairman. If I can management hurricanes with this,” he mentioned, waving the Sharpie within the air, “I can management the Structure. It’s so outdated, it wants updating anyway.
“Whereas I’m at it, I’m gonna remove that two time period nonsense. America wants a steady genius like me working issues. Putin has been on the job for twenty-four years and he’s performed an ideal job making Russia what it’s at present. That man in Jerusalem, Notayahoo, has been in energy for 16 years. Simply think about what I might do if I ran America for that lengthy? We’d have heaps extra billionaires, that’s for positive.” Elon took a sip of ketamine and smiled like Alfred E. Neuman.
Trump & The EV Revolution
“Sir?” Zachary mentioned. “You might have mentioned you’re against electrical automobiles, however Elon runs one of many greatest electrical automobile makers on the planet. Have you ever two talked about that?” Trump took a sip of bleach, patted his hair, and mentioned, “Electrical automobiles? They kill all of the birds. ALL THE BIRDS! Elon and I’ve a deal. It’s simple to make offers. I do it on a regular basis. I’ve made 14 offers already at present. I can’t cease making offers I’m so good at it.
“Elon will get to make all the electrical automobiles he desires, however he has to promote them in different nations. The automobiles Tesla sells in America may have quaint gasoline engine within the frunk. That stuff about carbon emissions? That’s junk science. Faux Information. Timber and crops want carbon dioxide. Mighty maples from tiny acorns develop. My father taught me that.”
“I feel you is likely to be confused, sir,” Zachary mentioned. “Marla Maples was your second spouse. It’s oak bushes that develop from acorns.” Trump appeared befuddled. “I used to be married to Marla Maples? When did that occur? Why was I not knowledgeable?” He turned to one in all his flunkies. “It’s your job to remain on prime of who I married and when. You understand I can’t inform all of them aside.” The flunky slunk off to verify on one thing. Musk simply nodded and smiled.
“Simply so , I’m going to ban electrical automobiles in America and rip out all these chargers Joe Biden put in. They kill all of the birds, all of the birds. I’m gonna eliminate that Inflation Discount Act on Day One — DAY ONE! I’ll exchange it with a $10,000 incentive for automobiles and vans that weigh greater than 10,000 kilos and value greater than $100,000. That’s what we have to make America nice once more.
“That’s what my pals within the auto business requested me to do and I all the time handle my pals — particularly if they provide me cash. I’m gonna name it the Rollin’ Coal Act. Mike Johnson has all of it teed up within the Home and he says he’ll move it simply as quickly as I inform him to. I’m gonna name him on Day One — DAY ONE! — as soon as I’m again within the Offal.
“I instructed Elon I might ban all different automobile corporations so he would have a monopoly within the US. And I’ll put a $50,000 tariff on all these electrical automobiles from China. We’re not going to have a bunch of Chinese language automobiles working round taking movies for Xi Jinping. Commerce wars are simple to win. I proved it the final time I used to be president and I’ll show it once more. Xi and his cronies might be begging for mercy by the point I get by with them. I’m gonna put the harm on these guys bigly.”
“What about that?” Zachary requested, turning to Musk with a “say it isn’t so” look on his face. “Nice by me,” Elon mentioned. “I bought mine, brother. Too dangerous about all you different suckers.” Trump smiled at his presumptive vice chairman, ate a fistful of fries, and took one other sip of bleach.
“Elon is a really good man. He’s bigly clever,” the disgraced former president mentioned on Reality Social, which is valued at two trillion {dollars} as of at present. “He could make rockets fly backwards, which is strictly what America wants. If the Russians hearth lengthy vary missiles at us, Elon will make them fly proper again the place they got here from and blow up the Kremlin. I hope my good pal Vlad The Impaler isn’t dwelling when that occurs,” he added.
Requested who else he thought of for vice chairman, Trump mentioned Alex Jones was excessive on his listing, together with Mike Lindell, the My Pillow man. “I like Alex so much for the best way he made billions mendacity concerning the Sandy Hook bloodbath. Want I had considered that. I want all the cash I can get to combat again in opposition to crooked judges, crooked prosecutors, crooked juries, crooked appeals courts, and crooked politicians. Thank God I’ve six Supreme Court docket stooges — umm, judges — in my pocket. In any other case I might be in jail as a substitute of the Offal Workplace,” he mentioned as he wrapped himself in an enormous American flag and grinned like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
“I thought of Tucker Carlson, however, jeeze, did you see that interview he did with Putin? That was pathetic. Even Ronna McDaniel wouldn’t stoop that low. Ron DeSantis referred to as me up and wished to be on the ticket however are you able to think about anybody voting for somebody like that? He seems to be like an immigrant and my supporters need nothing to do with immigrants. They’re all cannibals and murderers, each one in all them, besides for many of my wives and all their family members I bought into the nation when no one was trying.”
Then Trump wrapped himself in a second American flag and mentioned, “I do know a factor or two about crooks. I’m one myself, in order that makes me actually good, not a sucker like all of the thousands and thousands of people that watched The Apprentice and thought it was actual. Once I get again within the Offal Workplace, on Day One — DAY ONE! — I’ll make Fox Information the official information outlet for the US authorities. I’m additionally going to ban the New York Instances, the Washington Submit, AP, NBC, CBS, and all the opposite scum who’ve been telling lies to the American folks.
“From Day One — DAY ONE — Lachlan Murdoch might be in control of all information in the US and I’m pondering critically about giving Rupert Murdoch the Medal of Freedom. I’d give one to Orban and Kim Il Jong, too. These guys have performed such nice issues for his or her nations. Oh, and Louis DeJoy. He has performed a heck of a job screwing up the put up workplace. I feel he deserves to be Secretary of State. Simply watch all these snobs like Macron once they have to sit down down with Louie. They’ll be singing out of the opposite aspect of their mouths when he will get performed with them.”
Trump/Musk 2024
The magalomaniac from Mar-A-Lago swilled a Weight-reduction plan Coke whereas he wolfed down one other Large Mac. “I like something huge,” he mentioned. “I’m a really steady genius with very huge arms and fingers. Have you ever seen?” he requested as he waved his pudgy little digits about. “All the pieces about me is huge. I’m the preferred individual of all time. The Pope? He’s bought nothing on me. I’m adored by everybody on Earth. There might be a billion folks at my inauguration. The group might be so huge, you’ll have the ability to see if from outer house.”
Subsequent, the serial philanderer instructed how he and Musk will develop into fabulously rich by merging their social media channels. “We’re gonna name it TruthX,” he mentioned. “Elon’s gonna get everybody on the planet to observe me. It’s gonna make that Sucker Man seem like a chump. After we get performed, I’ll have ten billion followers who grasp on my each phrase. They’ll all get up each morning to a put up from me about how immigrants are sucking the blood from American patriots.
“We’re gonna construct a wall 100 ft excessive out of unsold Tesla Cybertrucks. Would possibly as effectively put them to good use moderately than leaving them out to rust behind the Gigafactory in Austin. Let’s see all these rapists and murders attempt to get into the nation although all that ballistic-grade chrome steel and bullet proof glass! Hah! It’s gonna be such a present. I can promote tickets to pay for all my legal professionals.
“Possibly I’ll promote some basketball footwear with the American flag embossed into the soles. Yeah. And a few Bibles that simply have the Previous Testomony, the one which has all that stuff about an indignant, punishing God. We’d like extra righteous indignation, none of this woke ‘flip the opposite cheek, love your neighbor’ pretend faith. My supporters need to be a part of the Finish Instances and I’m going to see they get an opportunity to do it.”
What Will Musk Do?
A few of the reporters readily available requested what Musk’s position could be within the new administration. “Nothing,” Trump mentioned. “Everybody is aware of the vice chairman doesn’t really do something, so Elon might be free to micro-dose and run his 574 corporations identical to he does now. And when it’s time for him to be president eight years from now after I amend the Structure on Day One — DAY ONE! — I’ll actually be working the present simply the best way Dick Cheney did so Elon can go proper on doing what he all the time has — fathering as many kids as potential to colonize Mars.”
“However, sir,” Zachary mentioned. “In case you are president and/or vice chairman for 16 extra years, you can be 94 years outdated if you depart workplace. Will you retire then?” Trump paused a beat after which mentioned, “Jared and Ivanka will take over then, and when they’re performed 16 years later, Baron will take over. There might be Trump within the Offal Workplace till at the very least 2072. Is that this an ideal nation or what?”
For those who mentioned, “or what,” go to the top of the category.
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